Holy Shit (in time for the holiday)

I don't know about you, but I hate these fucking holiday cards with pictures of families, kids, cats, dogs, and especially those stupid fucking letters that go with it telling me everything you did this past year. Whew....I got that out in only one sentence.  I really don't care what you did this past year or whatever bullshit you are putting in there.

I just want a small, plain, funny, cute, simple card that wishes me a Happy Holiday.  I don't want to hear the history of Christmas, or Hanukkah, or wishing me a Happy New Year, or any other such thing. I don't want to make Hallmark rich.  Just email a quick note, or don't do anything at all.  It's not that I am anti-holiday, I am just anti-hype.

And these stupid yearly event things about your kids and you.  Post it on Facebook, or Twitter it, or write a book about it........But.....But....But......please do not tell me about it .  I am only going to laugh and make fun of it.   Actually, what prompted this is getting a family picture card from one of my best friends with his girl friend and daughter in the picture.  I could live with that, but also enclosed was one of those "This Year in Review" letters.... (I tried to scan it, but it was not legible, so I am retyping it below)  I certainly hope my friend doesn't get mad, but it is what it is. By the way, I am not changing anything , other than eliminating the names.
                                                      SEASONS GREETINGS
                                        To all our Family and dear Friends 
          May 2013 usher in only good and joyous events and bring peace.
     "Another year whisked by and as we get older one can only surmise that this pace will continue.
It's been a wonderful year for us with visits from Grandchildren, Children, Friends and a memorable trip out West. We not only got to see some of the most wonderful sights but also were lucky to see family, meet family, and visit with dear Friends we had not seen for way too long. We also had the privilege of meeting >>>>the bright and happy son of.>>>> and >>>>> and the newest addition to our family "yoke"
   Golf continues to prove to me that talent is an essential element in the formula but>>>>>this year made great strides. Won a local tournament and so on and so on. (cut it short so as not to bore you}
   We all hope that this missile finds all of you in good health and spirits and enjoying life. You are always in our thoughts and we look forward to hearing from you and, better still, seeing you in the near future..
    Sending our hugs and kisses to all.

It was similar to this.

   
       The above is true and only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.......So, I decided that maybe, just maybe, I should send out a letter as well... I have composed one that I will now copy with nothing changed.

Seasons Greetings to all my family and dear friends.

        SEASONS GREETINGS TO ALL MY FAMILY AND DEAR FRIENDS

          May 2013 usher in only good and joyous events and bring lots of piece (yes piece)

     Another year whisked by and as we get older one can only surmise that this pace will continue, or not.
     It has been a wonderful year for me with my son going back to rehab for the second time. I made a few trips to the west coast and spent quality time in the smog while visiting family. I haven't seen my other daughter that lives near me for almost a year now, and have not spoken to my brother in about that same amount of time, due to him being a real asshole. All this makes me really appreciate family and how they can ruin your life. (as least some of them).
     My ability to find really great hookers has taken up a good portion of this year and I have become really great at  it. It has been most rewarding and I seem to be helping a few wonderful young ladies on their quest to finish graduate school and obtain their masters degree. This has been very fulfilling.
     I have spent a portion of the year at doctor's offices and am happy to report that most of them are doing really well.  Additionally, I have spent lots of quality time at the gym, to no avail.
     Fortunately I have some very good friends that I have been able to share all this with, and have been privy to listening and sharing their bullshit as well.
    My CRaPUSA blog continues to set readership records and I am happy to say that I have made almost $58.00 this entire year by selling some lousy caps and mugs.
    I hope that this missile finds you all in good health and the spirits of enjoying life.  If not, too fucking bad. You are seldom in my thoughts and Hopefully we won't see each other that often next year.
     Sending you and your family hugs and kisses and a big Fuck You.

PS. I know you have a big smile on your face right now.........Enjoy.
 
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