Why have so many big-time VIPs, celebrities, hotshots, famous souls gone freako wacko zonko?
They have limos, assistants, hairdressers. Spending money. Big houses. They’re not into poverty or unemployment or losing places to live. Haven’t suffered ravages of a flood, earthquake, tsunami, forest fire, hurricane, their agents quitting. What’s making them go off the rails?
Amanda Bynes. Pretty. A few minutes older than Sweet 16 — maybe an hour more than Sour 17. Fresh out of nowheresville, whoever heard of her 20 minutes ago? Now a little bit of a something and p.d.q. she goes boozy doozy. What’s her problem? That she’s not old, sick, hobbled, broke and out of work?
George Michael. Marijuana’s influence bought him a jail cell. Robert Blake possibly accidentally unintentionally shot wife Bonnie Lee Bakely even though he got off, because who knows how expensive California divorce lawyers are? Record producer Phil Spector thoughtlessly carelessly killed his blonde actress friend? Why? Who knows. Maybe she cheated at Scrabble. How about the O’Neals — Tatum, Redmond, Ryan?
Basketball’s Jayson Williams got behind bars for shooting his driver. Mike Tyson did himself into the can because of a rape charge. Baseball’s Dwight Gooden went up the river on account of he couldn’t handle being a huge star making huge millions attracting huge publicity. I mean, compared to a senior-citizen husband and father of two who’s just been laid off and doesn’t know where his next buck’s coming from, superluxury’s really tough.
About O.J. Simpson, forget it. He’s just a pig. About DSK, forget it. He’s just a pig. About Charlie Sheen, forget it. He’s just a pig. About the haircut star, presidential candidate John Edwards, forget it, he’s just a pig. About Tiger Woods a k a the Chosen One? Forget it, he’s just a pig. Even Miss Piggy won’t forget the Mister Piggy who’s Mel Gibson.
Dior’s former head designer John Galliano, who graduated from the Mel Gibson anti-Semitic the-Holocaust-never-existed university and killed off a large chunk of Dior’s business? Forget him. Everyone has. About Alec Baldwin, about whom you might have heard and who called his daughter a “rude thoughtless pig” on the phone? Better we shouldn’t go there.
Britney Spears tumbled out a chauffeur-driven SUV wearing no drawers. Possibly her love life’s so busy she had no time to put them on. Lindsay Lohan rumbled out of a jewelry store which ungraciously sued just because her one-time former ex long ago long gone now forgotten previous past dim career so consumed her that she forgot to pay for her necklace.
Demi Moore. Rehab. Carrie Fisher. Rehab. Steven Tyler. Rehab. Kelsey Grammer. Rehab. Nicole Richie. Rehab. Danny Bonaduce. Rehab. Corey Feldman. Rehab. So many have starred in rehab that Hollywood is prepping a new series — “Betty Ford 90210.”
Kiefer Sutherland, Mackenzie Phillips, Bobby oy! Brown, Drew Barrymore, Robin Williams, Gerard Butler, a few Osbournes, Eminem, the newly reconstructed Mickey Rourke and Robert Downey all had demons. Every one of us has had troubles. It’s only human. Even our president of the United States of America, commander-in-chief of the Armed Forces, leader of the free world Barack Obama — who said the Supreme Court doesn’t know its asterisk from a hole in the ground — might admit mistakes.
Russell Crowe beaned a hotel clerk with a phone. Naomi Campbell beaned her housekeeper with a phone. Hey, it happens. Winona Ryder shoplifted a little bit. George Clooney into the pokey for protesting at the Sudanese embassy. Remember Nick Nolte’s mug shot? How about we all get together and let’s just remember Paris Hilton for anything.
Christina Aguilera tipsy. Chris Brown smacking Rihanna. Heidi Montag faking divorce. Christian Bale, who threatened violence, burbled he can’t handle this movie star stuff and had a snit on the set.
Because we’re a kindly people, leave us overlook Janet Jackson’s boob malfunction. Forgive Tom Cruise making Oprah’s couch into a trampoline. Snooze and dream about a planet without devoted wife Kim Kardashian. Pretend Kanye didn’t grab that mike from Taylor Swift. Realize young folk no longer know of Eddie Murphy’s little old-time late night habits.
Daddy of the Year Elton John sipped a little. Player of the Year Barry Bonds obstructed justice. Stud of the Year Hugh Grant picked up a hooker in LA and diddled a little. The Idaho senator who tried to do a guy in the airport men’s room? Him, nobody cares about. The thief who stole millions from Tyco and had a $6,000 shower curtain and just got denied parole? Listen, nobody’s perfect.
Courtney Love. Tonya Harding. Richard Dreyfuss. Bernie Madoff? May he get maggots. Slimy sleazy Jesse James, who cheated on Sandra Bullock? May he get worms. And what might we wish Jon Gosselin other than, maybe, a few more years locked together with Kate?
I guess you have seen enough by now.....That is it kids.....Only in America.
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