Seriously Serious

The other day I received a long TM from my son Z who I have not really been very in touch with this past year.  I had thrown him out of my house on several occasions and the last time was for real. What a terrible thing for a parent to have to do.  Talk about tough love ????  Someone should really talk about the constant pain a parent has whenever a child of his or hers has a problem. Well, this is something that has been going on for some time and gotten progressively worse.  Yes Drugs......You say to yourself  and ask yourself all the normal questions.  How could something like this ever happen?  There probably are no answers and it hits families of every type.  Z was very fortunate growing up.  This always bothered me because I was really never able to give my  girls (from another marriage)  what I gave him at those early years.  So the drug thing is what has been going on for probably longer than I ever knew.  He has gotten into trouble with the law (mostly somewhat minor), but it kept getting worse. 
     My crazy ex-wife has felt guilty about this for some time and that is probably the reason she has let him stay with her. Unfortunately, that too comes with consequences.  She would go nuts from time to time and imagine the worse.  They have problems constantly, but I still cannot let him live with me.  I had set up rules about housekeeping, working, sleeping, etc. that he was never able to abide by.  Might be cruel, and break my heart, but that is tough love....I gave and gave and gave and finally one day had nothing left to give.
     The ex-wife, S, always had 2 different personalities.  When we were married I thought it was somewhat fun for a while being married to , two different women.  I soon realized that I had made a double mistake.  I stayed married because of my son Z, as I know what my girls went through when I divorced their mother. ( especially my oldest daughter M). I didn't want to do the same to Z, although looking back I now realize it was a complete mistake.  But you can't change history.
     Anyway, these past few years have been horrible for me.  I would cringe at night if the phone rang late knowing it was probably something to do with Z.  On several occasions I was right but I don't want to get into that now.  He has slept in his car, with friends and bounced around like a gypsy instead of finishing school and working and hanging with the right people.  Thus the drugs.  I knew the addiction was getting worse and he refused any treatment , like most junkies do.
     Well, the other night I received a TM  where he actually admitted to the drugs and all the other crap that goes along with it.  He said he wanted to get clean and try to salvage what was left of our relationship and all that other stuff that goes along with that.  He also said he wanted this to happen by June 10th, which is his birthday.  The message was written beautifully and really made me cry.  I have read it over and over and truly want to believe everything in it. He said he is going to detox for 3 days after he is cleared from the hospital, and then will go to meetings and do whatever he has to for a complete recovery....Is it ever a complete recovery ?  I want to believe him, but can I ?  I want to hug and kiss him, but am so afraid because of so many disappointments in the past.  I feel like I am completely useless and hopeless at this point, but smart enough to know that he has to be the one to carry the burden.  He has to be the one to sacrifice and make it work. He has to be the one to prove to me that he can and will do this.
      It is such a horrible situation to go through for me.  Thank God for my daughter in California who I think is a rock and completely together.  I would like to think I was somewhat responsible for her being this way, but I know that is not the case.  I have another daughter living here in Florida that I am not very close with.  She is in the fairly tale business and very good at it.  Actually her life is based on fairy tales from some other planet.
     So here I am batting 1 for 3 and hoping the average will get better..  I have even told my son that I would go to Al-Anon meetings with him and he was happy about that.  I guess it is one of those things that you expect to happen to some other family, but never your own....

     I am lucky.  I did my share of drugs when I was younger, but was able to stop with no problem at all.  I only hope my son has some of that in him.