ATM VS. MOST LADIES = LONG WAIT

I think I am like most people in this fast moving world and usually don't carry much money in my pocket like I did years ago. There really is no need to, as there are ATM machines every 20 feet. (Or so it seems). Especially now, when you can simply drive thru and get money easier than driving thru a Burger King, or any fast food drive thru.
     At least that is how it should be, or how it used to be. No more my friends, especially if you are behind a woman. (Now please, all you ladies that don't fall into this category, give me a break).   First of all, you can now make a check or cash deposit at these machines and get a print out with scanned image of whatever you are depositing.  This in itself takes some time, but that it not really a problem, at least not for now.
     Last night I had occasion to stop off at a ATM drive up window.  There were about 4 cars in front of me which naturally pissed me off to begin with.  I always think these machines are for me only and no one should be in front of me when I get there. It's my bank, so it should be my machine. OK, so I am just sitting there waiting my turn and paying close attention to what is going on, for lack of something better to do.  The first car driver inserts his card, hits a few buttons, takes his money, and is out of there in about one minute.  So far so good.  Next there is a SUV with a really thick lady who cannot lean out far enough to get her card in.  So what does she do ?  Of course opens the car door to get out and do her transaction from a standing position.  One problem........she is too fat and cannot squeeze thru the door opening.  So back into the car and pulls forward, back, forward, back until she can finally fit her fat ass out the door.  The card goes in, buttons are pushed, no money comes out. She then tries this procedure another time or two until she finally realized she was getting nothing from that slot machine.. Finally she is gone.......  OK, only one to go.  This should be quick. Uh Oh, another female, but in a nice sports car.  I'm not worried at all now, because I know this is a 1-2-3- in /out card..... Nope......she can't reach the area where the card gets inserted. Her little sports car is too low. On to her backup plan.  She leans out the window and does manage to get her card in, although I was convinced she was going to fall right out the window. Obviously she practiced lots of Yoga, because she was able to punch in her code, get her money, her card, and get back in the car in a mere 10 minutes. (or so it seemed).

     It was then yours truly turn.  I glanced behind me and counted probably 5 or 6 cars and wondered if there were any sick people like myself who were wondering the same thing about me ?
Well, Mr. Perfect was perfect. Card in, code in, money out, card out, on my way. I usually pull over to the side when I am finished, away from the machine to put my card back in my wallet, put my money away, fasten my seat belt, close the window, and I am gone.
      Now you can figure out what I get pissed off at.  Usually it's only females, but guys you are not immune to this.
     So here are a few tips for using a drive thru ATM machine:
     Have your card ready which is easy to do when you are on line alone with taking off your seat belt in case you have to lean out a little.......learn how to drive your fucking car so that you pull up real close to the machine and not like a gas pump......Open your eyes so you know where to put in your card.......punch in your right code and don't start looking for it in your pocket or on your blackberry........know how much your taking out and don't have a discussion with anyone else with you about it.........press the damn button that says you DO NOT want another transaction, when finished, instead of sitting there like an idiot waiting for someone to tell you what to do..........take your card and receipt if you asked for one and just drive away.  Don't sit on your fat ass counting your money as those machines never make a mistake, examining your receipt, looking at your checkbook, adjusting your AC because your window was open for a few minutes.......In other words try to be a little considerate for the person behind you and hope that I am not that person, because I will probably be screaming out the window to Hurry the F**k up.  (that only is true if you are smaller than me)

  (Originally published July 7th, 2010)

Text Alert....Text Alert.....Text Alert......Text Alert.....

I am not the biggest movie fan in the world and admit I would rather watch a good movie on my big screen HDTV in the comfort of my own home, on my own time.  I don't want to bother fighting crowds in movie theatres, almost as much as I don't want to hunt for a parking space in some crowded garage or wait forever to get out after the movie.  I don't want to wait on some ridiculous line for a ticket, nor do I want to take the chance of having some fat or smelly person sit next to me. I especially don't want to hear people chopping on pop corn or some idiot asking their spouse at the top of their lungs..........." Morris ???????? What did he say"?????? I don't want to sit through commercials before the movie starts or watch 7 trailers of movies that will be coming out until sometime next year.  I especially don't want some inconsiderate person resting their feet on the back of my more than comfortable reclining over sized seat that I paid $10.00 for. ( OK, a little lie.  I have been buying senior tickets since I was 50. )  ....But, and now comes the big one.....I fucken cannot stand any of those inconsiderate shitheads that insist on texting during the movie.  Surely they can survive 2 hours without sending or receiving some bullshit text.  Why must they do it in a dark movie when any smartphone lights up like a Christmas tree??????  Why can't movie theatres do something to block service once inside the theatre?  Better yet..........why not send these inconsiderate people to some state sponsored labor camp for 6 months every time they do this and annoy anyone sitting within a 5 row radius of them?????

       Last night, I had a double wamzoomie.  About 10 minutes into the movie this woman sitting to the right of me received a phone call. Not only did it ring, but lit up like crazy.  She immediately tried to hide the phone until she finally figured out how to ignore the call. But did she shut it off???? Of course not, until I opened my mouth and asked her (Nicely of course) to please shut it off.  Guess what she said to me???  I really don't know how to...... Then I was not so nice....... OK, back to the movie..............30 minutes later a young kid about 22 received a text, and then proceeded to answer it.  Fortunately he was smaller than me so I immediately told him that if he didn't shut his i phone off, he would never see it again..  Ahhhhhh........I was then able to enjoy the balance of the movie.
     I am really a go with the flow type of guy, but this smartphone misuse is right at the top of my list. Of course I won't go into how much I hate phones in restaurants, meetings, abuse in stores, and my all time favorite being used in cars without some hands free bluetooth connection.  I hope I am just not showing my age, but for once being sort of rational??????
     I can't wait for someone to come up with a tazer app. for my blackberry.  Beware you idiots at a movie that I am in.  It will just be like Charles Bronson in an old Death Wish Movie.......I can't wait..